After the child has lost his temper, the mother's first reaction is very important.

01

Every time a child loses his temper, the building is full of wind and rain.

But experience will tell you that when a child loses his temper, it comes and goes quickly.

Children are easy to coax.

So many people don't take their children's temper seriously.

I feel that if it is in the past, it is the past.

However, a very important thing to communicate and review after losing your temper, many people forget to do it.

Sometimes, the child is angry, after you divert attention, his mood has calmed down, you do not think it is necessary to talk.

For example, if a child insists on buying a popsicle, you turn around and point him a dragonfly. When he sees that the dragonfly forgets the popsicle, adults naturally stop mentioning it.

Sometimes, we use the identity of adults to force the child to follow our wishes, and you think that since the child is obedient to you, there is no need to talk about it.

For example, if you refuse to buy similar toys in the supermarket, he cries loudly, cries out, and no longer asks for them. Do you think everything has been settled?

Sometimes it's not convenient to talk about it when it happens, but after it's over, you don't know where to start.

For example, at my little cousin's birthday party, the daughter should give her brother the chance to light candles, blow out candles and cut the first cake.

But she was not reconciled. At the birthday party and in front of her relatives and friends, she lost her temper and was unhappy in her seat.

But as soon as she was given the cake, she became happy again.

Photo Source: TV series "my daughter Qin April"

When the storm is over and the sea is calm, our first reaction is to put them behind us and even pretend that these unpleasantness never happened.

However, if we do not communicate or review after the child has lost his temper, done something wrong, cried or made a scene, it will be tantamount to missing a good educational opportunity.

This way of solving problems has a far-reaching impact on children.

02

Well, let's imagine that the child will be 20 years from now.

If the way a wife gets along with her husband is the way I mentioned above, then this may be the case with them.

Maybe the wife forgot to wash the dishes before going to bed, and the next day when the husband was about to make a bowl of cereal for breakfast, he found that there was no clean bowl to use, and by this time he was already late, and he might be angry and went out without breakfast.

Or, the wife thinks that on Saturday morning, the husband should take the time to take the children downstairs to play for a while, but the husband procrastinates to find various excuses for procrastination, the wife shakes her head and has to take the children out to play.

After that, both husband and wife stopped talking about these things, even pretending that they never happened, and went on with other family life.

However, if it goes on like this, it will never be a healthy and long-term marriage, which will be mixed with all kinds of grievances and dissatisfaction.

Most of the time, we just want to put some annoying little things under the water, and then move on as if calmly.

But unfortunately, this is not a wise move.

If you raise a child in the same way, you will bring harm to him for the rest of his life.

This is why, after the child has lost his temper, the matter is still not over.

Research shows that when children learn how to deal with conflict in a positive way, their self-confidence and self-esteem increase, they become creative problem solvers, and the friendship between the two sides of the conflict is stronger.

Just like in a healthy marriage, an important part of actively dealing with conflict is waiting for everyone to calm down and then review what happened.

We talk about why it happened, how we feel, and how we can avoid it in the future.

There may be quarrels, there may be conflicts, but when the matter is settled, we all know that there are no bumps in each other's hearts.

This is especially true for children, who are not equal to adults.

Many things are decided by adults, and they have no room to resist at all.

03

I know a friend who has a successful career and has both children, but he always feels unhappy.

When it comes to the resentment of his parents, he complains that his parents are biased towards his brothers and sisters, that his parents blamed him when he was young, and that his parents are arbitrary.

In a small way, what accumulates is resentment, in a big way, it is hate.

Although it seems to blame the parents, but the real delay is their own.

If you grow up living in this kind of upbringing in which grievances cannot be avenged, resentment cannot be equated, and rejected for no reason, then when you grow up, these will all turn into endless grievances in the workplace and marriage.

The communication and review after losing your temper is the end of all education and the starting point of all relationship repair.

Take my daughter for example when she lost her temper at my little cousin's birthday party.

Although she returned to her normal state of happiness in the second half of the journey, it seemed as if it had passed.

But at night, before she went to bed, I sat down by the bed and said to her:

We need to talk about our little cousin's birthday party today.

I don't want to say, daughter, just cover your head. (in fact, this shows that this matter is still a knot in the child's mind.)

Can I hold your hand?

I can't.

Can I hold your foot?

I can't.

Can I touch your nose?

I can't. Finally, there is a smile.

Where can I hold it?

You can hold a finger. She poked her head out of the quilt and held out her index finger to me.

Mom didn't tell you before that whoever celebrates his birthday is the birthday boy, and he has all the privileges that the birthday boy should have. I should have told you first.

He has the right to invite others to do it with him, but we can't rob him of his rights, and you don't want to be robbed of these things on your birthday, right?

The daughter nodded and said, I shouldn't have done that.

Do you think you wish you hadn't done anything? I asked.

I have no idea.

When you use that voice and stomp your feet to talk to your mother, I feel like you don't respect me.

She bowed her head and said, I'm sorry, Mom.

After you apologized to me, I felt that you respected me a lot. Do you think there's anything wrong with mom?

I don't think you should criticize me like that, because I also want to light candles, blow out candles and make wishes.

Then we discussed that she could do these things on her birthday, or if we couldn't wait for tomorrow, we could pretend to be her birthday and find some candles to play with.

Finally, the daughter fell asleep in infinite longing.

I know. This is the past.

04

As a matter of fact, if you do a good job of these four steps, you can turn a moment of losing your temper into a time that can be taught.

▌ waits for emotional calm.

Before you talk about what happened, make sure you and your child stay calm.

You can't reason in front of an emotional child.

When a child loses his temper, it is his emotional brain that dominates, and his rational brain has long retreated to the second line, and reason does not make any sense at this time.

The same is true for adults, when your body is filled with stress hormones, you are not ready to have a calm, logical conversation.

If nothing is right, don't say anything yet.

▌ establishes physical contact

Scientific studies have shown that any touch of love triggers the release of oxytocin, which helps the body enter a calm and relaxed state.

Try to hold your child after he loses his temper, or hold hands.

Any physical contact that shows that you still love him even if there is a conflict between you.

▌ communication and listening

At this time, the communication must be two-way, not adults blindly preaching, shirking responsibility, you should also listen to the feelings of children.

You can ask your child: how do you feel about what happened? And respond to his feelings and let him know that you sympathize with his feelings

▌ expression should be as neutral as possible.

If you stand on the moral high ground in the first place to prepare for a trial, I advise you to just give up.

The purpose of communication is to solve problems, not to vent your emotions. try to change your tone and wording.

◆ uses me to describe her feelings.

For example, when your child speaks in a tone that doesn't respect you, you can say, when you speak in that tone, I don't think you respect me. Not that you are too rude and ill-bred.

◆ only describes the actual situation and avoids being emotional.

For example, you stomp your feet, cross your arms and yell. It's not that you look like a scoundrel and a snob.

◆ describes the facts, but does not include accusations.

For example, when I saw you turn on iPad after lunch, we agreed to watch cartoons only for a while in the morning. Instead of I told you not to play iPad, you still play?

Every time a child conflicts with us, it is like a small wound in the heart.

And the process of reviewing and communicating is like debridement.

It will be very painful and difficult, but only in this way can we clean up the grievances, sadness, disappointment and resentment, so that our wounds will not be infected and scars will not be left, and our hearts will still be a pure land.

In the same way, it also applies to husband-wife relationship and friend relationship.

All grief should have an end, all grievances should have an exit, all the bottom line should have a reason, all children's tears should not be in vain.