Win the world and lose you.

If I hadn't been reunited with you, I wouldn't know that you, whom I once loved, loved me as much as I loved you. I can't remember which year, which month and which day, you, who like to laugh and wear a ponytail, quietly take root and sprout in your heart. More than 20 years ago, when I heard that you were going to be far away from home, I thought that I would never see your smiling face, hear your voice or feel your breath, and tears would flow silently. At the age of 19, I hid in my room like a fool and let you go and let me cry.

You went far away and I stayed in my hometown. I married the wife of the county town and had my own home. I thought that with the passage of time, I would forget your existence and erase the familiar figure in my heart, but the reality gave me a cruel blow. You always inadvertently intrude into my dream, wake up in the morning, the dream is still clear, you seem to be by my side, never far away. In the dead of night, I will think of you in the distance: what kind of husband did you marry? Are you happy? Are you happy? Have you gained weight or lost weight? If I had known that missing was so painful and worrying so much, I would not have let you leave my world. I will put down the so-called face and pride, will be desperate to pour out my love to you, whether you accept it or not, I will not be as suffering as now, nor will I have this life-long regret.

I was very excited to set foot on the small town where you live for the first time. I love you, living in this small town, I and you breathe the same air, walking on the same road, I feel your breath. I asked all my friends about you and told them your name, but no one gave me a satisfactory answer. I was driving slowly in the crowded streets, eagerly searching for the familiar figure in the crowd, turning all over the streets, but I couldn't find you.

One evening, I was so excited that I suddenly received your greeting text message. I laughed when you told me your QQ number. You, who are in your forties, have also learned to surf the Internet. I don't play with space, and I don't have a QQ. In order to have a chat with you, I asked someone to apply for my QQ account that night, and you became my only friend. I, who had never chatted on the Internet, clumsily tapped on the keyboard, imagining what you had become across the screen. You tell me the password of the space album and let me see if I can still recognize you. I excitedly opened the photo album, a strange woman appeared in front of me, the years have changed your face, only those eyes, can still find the trace of youth. I am eager to know everything about you, always haunting you, chatting for a while, chatting for a while, always smiling and accommodating me, chatting with me about our childhood, talking about the joys and sorrows of our parting, talking about people familiar with the village, and talking about our respective children.

As long as I have time, I can't wait to turn on the computer. When I see you online, my heart softens up. I pay attention to each of your words and journals, taste your mind carefully, and feel our misses and helplessness. I don't know how to express my heart correctly: I want to make your life better than before, I want to take good care of you in the future, I want you to share my success and joy. Now I have a successful career, as long as you are willing, I can meet all your requirements. But you said that it is your husband's responsibility to take care of you, and he has enough ability to protect you from the wind and rain. You said that your life is very comfortable now and you don't need any changes. Your words hurt my heart. I won the world, but lost you. Now, you don't even have the right to give you a better life. You said we should be glad to find their loved ones into marriage, you said that you and I are very happy. I don't know how to reply to you, am I happy? I gave up the woman I loved when I was a child. For so many years, my heart has been filled with you: your smile, your ponytail, your innocent eyes, your smile has occupied my whole heart. If I can go back to the past, if I can choose again, I would rather give up my future and stay in the countryside to work hard, and I will not let you leave my world. I, never held your hand, never kissed your lips, never hugged you, such a love, hidden in my heart for more than 20 years, my tired, my tears, you will not understand.

It is accidental and inevitable that God arranged for us to meet again. I can finally pour out my heart to the beloved you, and finally tell you what I have been holding back for more than 20 years. You have no idea how much I want to hold you in my arms and smell your fragrance, but I am afraid to hug and never let go. How much I want to kiss your forehead, kiss away my yearning for many years, kiss dry the tears you shed for me, but I am afraid that after kissing, my feelings will be stronger and my heart will be more broken. How I want to really have you for once, let my beloved you become my real woman, but I am afraid to destroy the happiness and disturb your peace. You said we should cherish this unexpected reunion, we missed, is missed, do not miss into a fault, bless each other, is the best outcome for each other. I have no intention to refute what you said, but I gladly accept it.

That day, I turned on the computer again and it was full of messages from you. You must be like me, struggling in the whirlpool of emotion. Your tears, your pain, your struggle, your entanglement, your choice, hurt my heart. You finally choose to leave my line of sight, you want to return to the previous quiet life, you deleted me. I can no longer see your profile picture, walk into your space, chat with you, or touch your existence across the screen. Once again, you disappeared into my world, and once again, I lost the right to see your smiling face. I won the world, but lost you forever.

Author: smiling and smiling