my father
[Note: This article was originally written on Father's Day 2018. Today (2019). 11。13) Read the text of "The Boat of Father's Love", think of my father, read it again, have new insights, so revise and add some content again.
If Eldest Aunt is still alive, if your family sees this article, please contact me, QQ: 354543104]
My father left me three years ago. When he was alive, I never wrote about him. Today is Father's Day. Looking at the articles praising my father reminds me of many past events. I can't help but feel a tingle in my heart. My nose is sour. I am really sorry for my father. I didn't fulfill my filial piety when he was alive. I feel deeply guilty. I would like to express my thoughts and gratitude to him in this article. May he rest in peace in heaven.
A father as a child.
Grandpa and grandma had no land in their early years and lived on the land rented by Jin Daxian's family. Jin Daxian was a landlord and an enlightened gentleman. He sympathized with the poor. Exploitation existed, of course, but he was more humane. If there was a famine, he would exempt our family from rent. At that time, the Jin family belonged to a prominent family in Changfeng, with a thriving population and numerous land assets. However, they are different from the evil gentry mentioned in primary school textbooks. His father was born in a poor peasant's family. When he was a child, he suffered a lot with his grandmother. Grandma had five children in her life. Only the fourth father (born on August 21,1946) and the third aunt survived. Two of his uncles died, one second and one fifth. The second child was white and clean, smart and clever. At the age of 13, he was forced by life to herd cattle for the landlord's house in the deep mountains of Jiangnan. One dark evening, a human-looking monster jumped out of the grass. He mistook it for a ghost and was extremely frightened. According to the elders, he was frightened. After returning home, he lost his mind, looked ugly, did not eat or drink, and soon left this world. The whole family loved the second child most. Hearing this bad news, Grandma was so sad that she cried and fainted several times. Fifth brother died of fever when he was three years old. At that time, people's lives were very fragile, medical conditions were extremely poor, and even a small cold could kill them. There was also an aunt who was the eldest. She was sixteen or seventeen years old. She was forced by the famine to marry into a family in Zheshan Village, Changfeng Township at a young age. Because she did not marry out, she would starve to death because there was nothing to eat at home. She was an honest person. She did not like to talk and had a stubborn temper. She might have been abused by her in-law's family. She ran away from home in anger. She was married less than two months ago. Later, her family searched everywhere, but there was no news so far. The family members were honest and did not force her in-laws to be important. They actually let it go like this. Grandma later recalled that aunt may have fled to other places, or may have died in other places, I have been looking forward to aunt can go home when I was a child. If she's still alive, she'd be about 85. Gradually, the family gave up all hope and regarded her as dead. Grandma would cry whenever she talked to us about her aunt.
Grandma survived two children, one is my father, the other is the second aunt (ranking third), at the beginning of the family, the second son-in-law was poor, the father-in-law only gave them a pair of chopsticks and a bowl, said: "Take it, earn it yourself." Second aunt angrily left home with her husband to Wanhe Farm, a few years later, because homesick, with two sons moved back. As both husband and wife were hardworking people, the days gradually improved. Especially after the reform and opening up, her family's life is getting better and better. She worked like a madman, it was simply desperate, for example, a certain field of rice is not finished, resolutely do not go home to eat, the whole family has to go hungry, sometimes hungry for a whole day, old although still full of children and grandchildren, full of happiness, but when she was young, the body is seriously exhausted, now sick, suffering, lumbar spine is not good, afraid of light, afraid of cold, afraid of heat. Now five children under her education and influence, are very filial, hard-working, are successful in their careers.
In the countryside, there is a preference for boys over girls. When my father was a child, he naturally received special care from Grandpa and Grandma, especially when the three children were absent one after another. Grandma regarded him as a "pearl in the palm of her hand" and gave him delicious and delicious food. My father was lucky to be able to go to school in those poor years (the fifties). Grandma once said that generations had suffered from illiteracy and that she would send her children to school anyway. In September 1955, the family intended to let his father go to school (ten years old), second aunt (twelve years old) suddenly woke up, noisy also want to go to school, grandmother also can not refuse, had to acquiesce, she is very stubborn, afraid of losing face, do not want to study with his brother in the same grade, so sit directly in the second grade classroom, dead or alive, the teacher also has no way, had to do so. In this way, I studied for a year. In the second year, because my family was too poor to pay tuition fees, my second aunt dropped out of school. But no matter what, even if the whole family lived frugally, they had to pay for their father to finish primary school. Listen to my father said that once grandpa digging lotus root in the lake accidentally saw a frozen wild duck, really overjoyed, pick up home to school as tuition fees, then teachers laugh and cry, if not also have no money to pay, they had to "gladly accept". To today's people, that's incredible.
At that time, food was more expensive than anything else. His father said that he was always hungry for class. His stomach was always growling. He always thought about what to eat in class. His biggest wish after school every day was to go home and eat something, even if he had some porridge. There was usually only a handful of rice in a pot of porridge. The porridge in the bowl looked bright and could really be used as a mirror. During the three years of severe natural disasters (59, 60, 61), villagers had no food to eat. Some of them were so hungry that they stole sweet potatoes from the production team at night. As a result, they were caught. Several backbone members of the production team hung him from the beam and beat him severely, saying that they were "digging the corner of the socialist wall"... Most people could only chew bark, dig wild vegetables, go down the river to touch mussels, catch mice, etc. Strange, even mice are surprisingly rare in lean years, let alone cats, and in some places there is even the phenomenon of eating dead people. Many people get swelling disease and their necks swell like big steamed buns, which is caused by chronic malnutrition; many people are starved to death. Later, even these things did not have to eat, everyone was hungry and skinny, driven by hunger, second aunt and father went to the mountain to dig Guanyin soil to eat. Guanyin soil is a white clay for porcelain baking. In fact, there is no nutrition when eating it. It is just filling the stomach and finding the feeling of fullness. It is not as "sand" as soil in the mouth. People eat this kind of thing, there will be abdominal distension phenomenon, this kind of thing in the intestinal tract sticky, relatively heavy, not easy to discharge from the intestinal tract, some people really can't stand to use a stick in the anus, eat too much people are therefore alive to swell to death.
The two of them knew the dangers of this kind of thing, but their stomachs were empty and they were really uncomfortable. They couldn't help but try it. The two teenage children came to the foot of the mountain in this way. It was not easy to find the place to dig Guanyin Earth. Many people had dug this place. The mountain had already been dug empty. Second Aunt was in front and father was behind. Just as they were digging hard, danger occurred. A landslide occurred. A large piece of soil directly buried Second Aunt. Father was shocked by this scene. His face turned white and his heart pounded. He was speechless for a long time. Fortunately, he was seen by a passing uncle. He dug Second Aunt out of the soil and saw her pale and dying. It took a long time to shake her spirit. They abandoned the Guanyin soil, helped each other, limped back home, and when they got home, Grandma asked them doubtfully,"How come you came back empty-handed?" Father stammered to say: "the mountain fell... almost crushed..." grandmother anxious to give his father a slap, father wailed, crying very sad. My aunt dragged her injured body and explained the whole story weakly. Grandma burst into tears and held the two children close to her for a long time, speechless. Finally she said in a low voice,"Well, we won't let you go even if we starve to death."
In fact, the hardships of life are far more than these, this is only the tip of the iceberg, the real test is still behind it. When it rains, other children have yellow umbrellas or bamboo hats, raincoats or something to protect them from rain. The father can only hold his schoolbag (sewn with a piece of cloth) in his arms, bow his back and brave the rain. In order not to let his shoes get wet, he can't afford rubber shoes, let alone rubber boots. Cloth shoes, usually reluctant to wear, only to wear to school, grandma is not without time to make cloth shoes, but discarded cloth is difficult to get, so still have to save.) Whether spring, summer, autumn or winter, in rainy or snowy weather, my father went to school barefoot. After school, he washed and wiped his shoes a little before putting them on. If he went to school in winter, his two feet would be red with cold. Because of the ancestors (father's grandmother, she has this kind of bow feet, resulting in her son also has this kind of feet, to father's generation or this kind of feet, really generations of "inheritance" ah.) Hereditary reasons, his feet are deformed bow feet, every time barefoot walk on the mud, because the toes can not grasp the ground, very slippery, he is more likely to fall than the average child, so walk carefully. This kind of foot makes him very embarrassed in front of his classmates and is often ridiculed. It was also greatly restricted in later labor. Bow foot so, left ear also gave birth to a child ear, plus childhood head had been suffering from dysentery, once had more pus, then no money to cure was laughed at, finally recovered, left a scar, the middle of the head no longer grow hair, affected the handsome image of the square face. Later, the local beauties did not like him, so they had to go to the deep mountains of Jiangnan to find a partner, that is, my mother, this is later.
At the end of June 1961, at the age of sixteen, he graduated from primary school. In order to make a living, he had to drop out of school and go home to participate in the labor of the production team. Because junior high school was far away from home at that time, and his family could not afford tuition fees, Grandma had to do so. After finishing primary school, he still knew a few words. (The quality of teaching at that time could not be compared with that of today. It is no exaggeration to say that some people could not write their own names after finishing primary school.) At that time, few people were literate, most of them illiterate, and finishing primary school was already very remarkable, because even the leaders of the production teams were illiterate at that time. In that particular era, the more crude and uneducated a person was, the more he was respected and placed in important positions. It was, of course, a fallacy put forward by the Gang of Four and wrong to say that "the more knowledge one has, the more reactionary he is."
II. Father in Youth
After graduating from primary school, my father honed at home for three years, and learned to weave bamboo utensils with my grandfather. He could weave common bamboo baskets, dustpans, bamboo mats, etc. Together with women and older children, they also take part in light manual labor in the production teams, such as weeding, picking cotton and fertilizing. However, the work score is only half of that of an adult man. In the first half of 1964, when my father was nineteen years old, my grandfather died of stomach cancer at the age of forty-nine. The whole family fell into extreme grief, which added to the already difficult family. Father's weak shoulders must shoulder the burden of the family, gradually from the warm harbor out. At the age of nineteen, he joined the men in their prime in heavy manual labour. At that time, the people's commune system was in force in the state, all land was owned by collectives and under the unified control of production teams, and individuals had no land. Our production team is called the surplus grain team, and there are about a hundred members working together. The leaders of the production team mainly include: team leader, deputy team leader, accountant, keeper, recorder, team committee (that is, member representative). The implementation of the work points system, according to the number of points distribution of living materials, that is, distribution according to work, more work points earned, such as father's age, can only be counted as 80% of adult men's work points. The farm work often done in rural areas includes rice planting, pesticide application, wheat harvesting, rape planting, water grass fishing, mud picking, firewood cutting, etc.
Among them, fishing for water and grass is a difficult job, which is a man's job. This kind of work is usually in groups of two. Men combine freely, and no one is willing to partner with his father, a young boy who has no experience and little strength. Seeing that everyone had chosen his partner, my father had to sit there alone with a blank look on his face. Finally, my father's second uncle (my father's second uncle, within four generations, is more than ten years older than his father. Our generation calls him "second grandfather", or "second father" in Anqing dialect. (I couldn't bear it, so I came to help my father. The honest father just looked at him gratefully and said nothing. A friend may have asked, what is the use of fishing for weeds? It is used as fertilizer in the rice field. The water and grass are piled up and fermented at high temperature, rotten and smelly before being sprinkled into the field.
So he and his father rowed a small wooden boat toward the big river to the west. At that time, there were no pearls or fish farmers at all. The water in the whole river was clear and lingering, and the water plants were rich and beautiful. At first glance, the blue waves rippled, and the lotus leaves in the fields near the shore looked like big umbrellas, and the pink lotus flowers were like dancers in the pavilion. The scenery is picturesque, but in that hungry age, not many people have the leisure and elegance to enjoy the beautiful scenery. In those days, "food and clothing" was greater than the sky.
How do I get it? The two long poles tied up the middle with a rope, opened like a huge pair of scissors, opened its front end and inserted it into the grass, then folded it, tightened the two poles, clamped the poles, and rotated it hard, so that the plants were tightly wrapped around the poles, and finally the poles were dragged up hard, and the plants followed the boat, loosened the poles, and took off the weeds. This cycle until the boat is full. For his father's uncle, it was a piece of cake for Zhang Fei to eat bean sprouts, but it was difficult for his father to reach the sky, and the difficulties encountered were as follows: the strength was small, and the penny could not be pressed down because of the buoyancy of the water. The water plants were not strung in place, but they were only twisted up a little; he was nervous when he stood on the boat, his feet were unstable, and he could not swim.
The skilled people had already finished the task, and when they returned in triumph, my father and second grandfather (as I called them) were still busy, sweating, their palms were red with bamboo poles, blisters and burning pain. After a lot of effort, the boat was finally filled with water and grass, and it was possible to row back. The father breathed a sigh of relief and looked gratefully at the second grandfather, who wiped the sweat from his forehead, looked at the sky and said, "Wenguo, hurry up, it's going to rain."
"Oh." Father nodded. Paddling desperately, the boat was pressed so deep and sunk by weeds, walked very slowly in the water, crawled like a tortoise, and was in danger of sinking if not careful.
As the saying goes, "there are unexpected events in the sky and misfortunes and blessings in the day and night." Suddenly, a strong wind blew up in the sky, and it was dark, like the bottom of a black pot, and like a bottle of ink. When the people on board clung to the hull, how dare they paddle? After about a few minutes, the wind subsided, but the rain became heavy. "White flower raindrops jump like pearls on board." the heavy rain was a kind of beauty in Su Shi's eyes, but in his father's eyes, it was a deadly bullet. The uncles and nephews were all wet, and there was more and more water on the boat, and it was about to sink! At this critical moment, the experienced second grandfather shouted, "Don't be afraid, push the aquatic plants into the river."... " Before he had finished his words, the ship began to sink, and his father looked very pale and desperate, because neither he nor his second grandfather could swim. The two of them clung to the sinking boat, and the second grandfather was still scratching down the water plants; his father was so frightened that his hands kept shaking. The torrential rain hit his face, and people could not open his eyes at all. Rain Water's ears were full of "crackling patter". The rumble of thunder pushed this horror to the extreme. For a while, the eyes and mouth are full of water, people have sunk into the water, eyes white, a large amount of water straight into the stomach, choking nose sore. In his panic, he seemed to understand that he was drowning: he would soon be drowned. Driven by instinct, he struggled desperately, occasionally showing his head to catch his breath, taking advantage of the ship that had not completely sunk. Accidentally saw the second grandfather (father's second uncle), one hand clutching the penny, head back, only showing the nose and mouth outside to breathe, not panic; the other hand grasping something, as if trying to pull his father's clothes, but can not reach it.
As the rain continues to fall, the danger may occur at any time, and my father may not be able to hold on. He looked pale and drank a lot of water and his stomach was bulging. Suddenly, my father was lifted out of the water from behind by a big hand and swam to the shore, which was only a few meters away from the shore. The father, who went ashore, was a little delirious and his mouth was full of white water. The second grandfather was also rescued. He didn't drink much water, so his brain was clear. What he worried about most was his nephew.
The second grandfather gently pressed his father's chest and drained a lot of water from his belly. He felt much better and regained his consciousness. Only then did he know that a passing man had saved them. He didn't come and asked him his last name and where he lived. The man left in a hurry. Later, after several inquiries, he could not find out the whereabouts. The second grandfather only knew that the man was tall, dark-faced and about forty years old.
The first time fishing for water and grass, he came back in vain, and his second grandfather was almost killed. His father was so ashamed that he still had a lingering fear when he thought of it. Grandma was scared to the ground when she heard the news.
The members are all afraid. Some sympathize with their father and those who are orphaned and widowed are very pitiful. Some secretly think that their father is a jinx with whom they are unlucky. Some blame their second grandfather, as an elder, who is experienced and knows that it is going to rain and pretend less. Should go ahead of time. Later, there was a shrewd man who privately taught his father the "valuable experience"-- you don't have to pick up a lot of water plants, just build them into hollow "big radishes", because when you keep score, you don't have to weigh them (maybe it's too troublesome to weigh them). Only use a ruler to measure the length, width and height of the water plant pile, and then calculate the volume. In short, everyone's story has a certain degree of truth.
A real person like the second grandfather and an inexperienced person like his father naturally will not be opportunistic, and it is impossible to build a hollow "big radish" to deceive the acceptance team members. Therefore, in this kind of collective work, honest people do things diligently, while slick people do it "easily", but they get the same points, but the enthusiasm of the peasants is not high.
After being honed like this, my father gradually matured, and four years later, in 1968, my father had grown into a qualified young farmer who could do all the farm work and even plow the fields with cattle. When my father picked up the mud, his weak shoulder was skinned by a pole, and now it has grown into a thick callus; when he had just ploughed the field, he was brought down by a stubborn bull and lay down in the paddy field, making his mouth full of mud, which made everyone laugh. Now he can easily control the recalcitrant bull; even the clerk's work can occasionally make a cameo. The man who wrote down the score was called a clerk, who was originally remembered by his father's classmates, but he was promoted to be an accountant in the commune. Jin accountant was busy at the same time, and there were not many literate people in the team, so he had to ask his father for help. I do half a day's work every day, and the remaining half of the day is used to record the working conditions of the members. We should be very careful and should not make the slightest mistake, because the eyes of the members are discerning. Although most of them are illiterate, the work score is their destiny. Even if you can't remember your last name, you have to remember it. Because this is equivalent to their rations! Sometimes I asked my grandmother, who was also working in the field, when I was not clear. Later, I asked my mother, and if there was anything unclear, I would ask the member himself the next day. Because of his carefulness and caution, there was nothing wrong with him, so the members believed in his father, who later took up the post of clerk simply by his father. Some people want to do it, but they have no culture and can't even write their own name. Of course, I can't. From my father's memories, I can feel that he is proud and even proud at this time. Don't think that it's easy for him to do less work for half a day. He will sort out his account books under the oil lamp every night, sometimes late into the night, full of supplementary notes, corrections and statistics. The situation inside is very complicated, with different ages, different genders, different things done, and different work scores. Some of them need to be calculated and recorded after a discount. The key is not to make mistakes. It is not easy for a father with a primary school education to do it well. At that time, there was no calculator, only an abacus. My father was not very good at division, and he was very skillful in addition, subtraction and multiplication. It could be said that "dogs drive out ducks-quack." In my memory, there are a total of several thick account books at home, which are remembered with a ballpoint pen, and some older women do not have a first name, which is recorded as "surname" plus "Shi". My grandmother's maiden name was Lu. She used to be a large family. There were many fields in the family. Her parents died early, and her property was completely defeated by her gambling uncle. At the age of nine, she became the child bride of the Zhang family. Her feet were so small that she walked unsteadily. When it rained, she felt pain under her feet. When I asked her if she had a name, she just looked at me with a smile and could not tell her name. For people like this, "Lu" can only be recorded in this book. All young people have names, but some people have such terrible names that they even have a name called "poop".
The father married at 23 and had four children at 26, 28, 30 and 33. Faced with the problem of feeding four children, the financial pressure on the family is much greater. I remember when we were young, the captain whistled and the members washed the dishes and put down the dishes. The nursing mother stuffed the baby into the rocking car, turned around and went out. . Everyone is afraid of the ferocious look of the captain, because work points will be deducted if he is late. Grandma and mother are no exception. When we hear the whistle, we basically cry in the house when we are young. Sometimes we are covered in shit and urine. When we cry hoarse, we stop crying, and sometimes we lie on the ground and fall asleep. I remember that my six-year-old sister and her one-year-old brother sat by the pond watching their mother and women pick cotton together. As a result, the younger brother kicked his legs and turned his head back, one of them fell into the pond. Fortunately, someone saw them and saved them. At that time, all the children were like this, crawling on the ground and growing up. When I got home, my father was silent, and my grandmother and mother quarreled.
Despite the quarrel, life went on, and people continued to live in such a big collective life, which did not end until 1980.
III. A middle-aged father
(1)
Since Comrade Deng Xiaoping returned to power in 1978, the party and the state have absorbed historical experiences and lessons, implemented the policy of reform and opening up, and implemented the household contract responsibility system in rural areas. since then, the labor enthusiasm of farmers has been greatly improved. living conditions have been greatly improved. Our land contract here actually began in 1980. At that time, my father was only 34 years old, at the age of strong body. Although I am only 5 years old, I know something vaguely.
Father is extremely strict with our brothers and sisters. I remember that the production team had a tile house of more than 300 square meters, called "team house". (now it has been torn down so that there is no sign of the "bone shelf". ) less than 50 meters from my house, there is a room for farm tools, grain and sundries, and one for meetings. In the west of the team house, there is a wire post, on which there is a radio. At noon, we children often sit down and listen to the commentary books (novels, romances) with relish. Sometimes we have nothing to do, but we just pull up the ground wire of the radio to play. As a result, our hands tremble; sometimes we get bored and shake the tools used in the team to lift rice husks-- a fan like a windmill. Whenever the old custodian of the production team (surnamed Jin, was a seller with a burden before liberation, so people affectionately called him the old seller. He was probably in his sixties, with a gray beard and a little vicissitudes of life on his face, but in good spirits, with a hunched back and bent body, and his nose could almost touch his chest, a bit like a curled hedgehog. When he found out that we were doing something bad, he shouted loudly and scared us to run away, and sometimes he added: "I know you are a child of Wen country." Tell your father later. " The speaker may have been unintentional, but the listener was so nervous that he dared not go home all day until it was very dark before he had to go home nervously. Waiting for my father to give us a good beating, it is strange to say that my father did not hit us. Only later did I find out that the old custodian did not say this to his father at all. From then on, I felt grateful to him and stopped destroying public property. With the deepening of reform and opening up, the public property in the team was completely divided, the cattle in the team, the land and the means of production were divided, the company house was also divided, and the threshing ground in front of the team house was also "carved up". In the end, even the poor radio was completely broken.
Every family has its own field, not to mention how happy everyone is. In a large collective, when there are too many people and work is not active, everyone has his own account in mind-hard work, no matter how good the crops are not their own, it is a collective, why work so hard? Coupled with the fact that some people are opportunistic and still get high marks, this has seriously dampened the enthusiasm of the peasants. The fruits of labor are different now. Except for paying some agricultural taxes to the state, the rest of the fruits of labor are their own, so in the year when they first arrived, everyone worked hard and said that they worked "in the stars and the moon". It was no exaggeration at all. I remember that my father, mother and grandmother were always busy coming home late. Our four children were sitting at home in the dark. Sometimes we just sat on the threshold and fell asleep against the wall. We fell to the ground with no idea. When I got home, my mother's first words were: "my son!" Why are you asleep on the ground? " ……
During the day, grandma looked at the green wheat in the field and was happy, thinking about her crops. She smiled from ear to ear to everyone. Her mouth, which lacked a big front tooth, was always open and closed, sometimes spitting so much that the young man nodded again and again, and quietly walked away covering his mouth.
In that year, my family had a bumper harvest of wheat. My father tied the wheat into bundles and carried it back with one load after another, and there seemed to be an endless supply of wheat. Someone passed by and said with concern, "you're not tired!"
"I can't wait to choose like this every day." My father's answer was very simple, because I was really hungry and scared before.
After the wheat was picked back, it was laid on the threshing floor in front of the house. in the scorching sun, mother and grandmother raised a flail and beat the ground rhythmically, the sweat on their faces kept running, and when they were thirsty, they drank a mouthful of cold boiled water. If they are hot, they will not rest when they are tired, because this is the first time to beat their own wheat. This kind of excitement is difficult for ordinary people to understand.
The harvest of wheat at that time was more than ten times that of the great collective period. Grind it into powder and eat it as cruller. I'm tired of porridge. I think it tastes really delicious. In that year, as long as our whole family, who wanted to eat this cruller, Grandma would make it for us. This year, our family really solved the problem of food and clothing. The family also planted a lot of cotton, sold some money, and left some for our brothers and sisters to make cotton-padded jackets. In addition, I planted several mu of rice. I remember that I also harvested a lot of rice at home that year. The whole family doesn't have to worry about food anymore.
(2)
Although the problem of food and clothing has been solved, life is still not well-off, and it is the most difficult time for our brothers and sisters to go to school at the same time. I have to do my homework when I come home from school every day. If I can't finish it, I will be scolded by my father if I can't finish it by lighting a kerosene lamp. There are generally two possibilities: first, the teacher has too much homework to finish before dark; second, I have to do housework when I get home. I don't have time to do my homework. Unlike today, some children go home to eat and drink, wasting a lot of time.
We all know that fathers are not easy, and we all pay attention to saving pencils until we can't get our hands on them. Workbooks are always densely written, sometimes squeezed in places where there is no grid below; books are basically new at the end of the term; in order to save manuscript paper, sometimes we use branches to calculate math problems on the ground; clothes are for both men and women, the eldest is worn out for the second, and the second for the third. . Gradually, my sister refused, because she did not want to wear boys' clothes, so her mother had to make new clothes for her. My brother and I envied my brother and sister very much. It is normal for children at the bottom of the family to have patches on their clothes. Trousers are short, showing long legs, and trousers are torn. Some children are exposed, their cloth shoes are worn out, and their big toes are exposed. They are embarrassed to walk on campus. They always want to put them away. So they buckle their big toes and walk with a limp, but no matter how you take them, you just can't keep them. If you don't fix it, it will break up and give you a general strike. You can only cry about poverty barefoot in front of your mother. After a lot of scolding, my mother takes out new shoes for me to put on, and then stays up late to take soles for me (this is called precaution, so as not to go to school barefoot).
At that time, even the students in the classroom brought their own stools, and the school was poor and had no money to buy stools. At the beginning of the school year, everyone had stools of different heights and shapes. In order to prevent the stool from being "stolen"-in fact, this is an unnecessary worry, mainly because the hard life makes us know how to cherish things very early, unlike today's children, the waste is very serious. I remember when I was in the third grade, I wrote the words "302, Zhang Fengshou" under the stool with a brush. Now it feels a little funny when I think about it. When it comes to the holiday, everyone goes home with stools, like a long queue, and the scene is very spectacular.
The eldest brother was very naughty when he was young, so he was particularly "loved" by his grandmother because he was the eldest grandson, but he often played truant, fought, and burned other people's haystacks. . Once killed a duck in the river; once swollen the nose of a girl swimming in the river with small stones. There was an endless stream of people who came to the house to complain every day, and his father often beat him up. At this time, Grandma would "come forward" and protect his eldest brother with her body, and his father had to give up after complaining a few words. (this plot is a bit like Baoyu being beaten in A Dream of Red Mansions. Jia's mother is the same. (but for my sister and me, this is a vivid lesson-if we make a mistake, we will be beaten, so we were both timid when we were young, dared not speak loudly, and were a little introverted. Of course, the eldest brother who grew up in this environment would be in a mess in his academic performance. He was held back in the first grade and the second grade, and in the third grade he intensified, which made his father too sad, so he took a year off from school and let him herd cattle at home. Later, under the persuasion of others, he was sent to school again the next year. At this time, he and his sister (my sister) became classmates, which became a joke of the classmates. He felt ashamed and embarrassed. From then on, he was self-motivated, studied hard, made rapid progress in his grades, was three years older than the average classmate in the class, was almost as tall as the teacher, and was chosen as the monitor by the teacher in the fourth grade. I remember that when he was in the fifth grade (when the five-year system was implemented in primary school at that time), he had to do his homework late every day. His father was secretly happy and never grudged kerosene. Hearing the teacher's praise, my father was very happy and placed high expectations on him. At that time, I was already in the third grade. Every day, several children read and write under the dim oil lamp. The next day, my nostrils were always black. It was lampblack. The next year, there was an electric light.
In addition to studying, we have to work with our parents. Every summer vacation, my brother, sister and I will go to the fields to cut rice, beat rice, and transplant rice seedlings, usually in mid-July, which lasts for about a week. This week, we all lose weight, our faces are tanned by the sun, and we "grow" a yellow circle on our legs (formed by being soaked in dirty water for a long time). We go out early and return late every day, and we don't see the sun coming home. After we get home every day, we go back to sleep after eating and washing.
Harvesting rice makes people sore waist, accidentally cut fingers, blood flow, and sometimes encounter fire snake, water snake, really chilling; sometimes moths flying all over the rice leaves will hit your eyes, extremely uncomfortable; sometimes you can see a kind of water bird's nest, in which the yellowish chicks are crying for food, opening their mouths and twittering to me one by one, as if they thought I was their parents. Sometimes when you step on it, you will also step on the rice field eel and Loach, and they will slip away from your toes. You have no time to be afraid, but you have a kind of comfortable feeling. In the early days, you can still see turtles crawling around in the fields. You can catch them easily. Later, people used more pesticides, and these things were less.
After harvesting the rice, the next step is to beat the rice. Rice is the most bitter thing, so that the body itching, red, full of scratches. Most of us use our feet to beat rice, and the whole family has a clear division of labor, some playing, some delivering, and some transporting. My father always came home with hundreds of jin of wet rice, all difficult paths, going back and forth for about half an hour, and his feet were a little defective (as mentioned earlier), so he was not very stable when he picked up the burden. he has to be careful with every step he takes.
After the rice is beaten, we still have to transplant rice seedlings, but we still have to pull, wash and transport them first. Our three children (the younger brother is young) have hardly ever worked in the fields. (all you have to do is pull and transplant seedlings. Because of bending over for a long time, the hardest thing about transplanting rice seedlings is backache. The rice seedlings I planted were always crooked and varied in width and width, and my father sometimes couldn't fix the route with a rope, but my little waist always didn't listen, and my hand twisted left and right with it, and finally I couldn't stand it. I threw down the handle of the seedling while my father wasn't paying attention, lying on the ridge of the field with weeds, sighing on his back, "Oh, I'm so tired. I'm so comfortable!" Looking at the blue sky and white clouds, I feel happy. Let the tender waist rest for a little while, even for a few minutes. At this time, my brother and sister would laugh and attract the attention of my father. Unlike when we made a mistake, he did not beat and scold me, but smiled and said, "take a break and get up." if you can't finish the task, you won't have a popsicle at home. " Having said that, I jumped up like a spring and hurriedly went down to the field to continue to transplant rice seedlings. Finally, we finished the task before dark, and I was too tired to walk. My father fulfilled his promise, and each of the three children ate a cheap popsicle (10 cents). He and his mother and grandmother did not eat, remember I asked him why not eat, he said that popsicles are for children to eat, adults can not eat.
We lived like this for many years until we grew up and started a family.
(III)
In 1990 and 1991, all four of our brothers and sisters were seriously ill, and the family seemed to be about to collapse in an instant. In March 1990, first of all, because the elder brother and sister had scabies on their bodies, they were so itchy that they broke as soon as they were scratched, and some places on the body shed pus, which was both disgusting and contagious, and did not cause nephritis in time for treatment. at its worst, the thighs were swollen and thick, like an inflatable doll. Press with your fingers, it is a gravure pit, and soon it is slowly restored. The illness has reached a very serious level. At that time, children would not go to the hospital with minor ailments. Without today's children being spoiled and mosquitoes bitten as a "treasure", there seemed to be a feeling that the sky was going to fall, and at that time the children were forced to feel a little cheap by life. Their father had to take them to the first people's Hospital to see a doctor. As his family was poor and his brother's condition improved, he was soon discharged from the hospital and took medicine at home. The father stayed with his sister in the hospital for two months before he came home. During these two months, the father was very anxious, first, he was worried about his family's crops, and second, he was worried about his child's illness. In the spring of the following year, there was a pandemic of hepatitis A, and many children in our village got hepatitis A. for a time, the township hospital could not accept such patients. Among our brothers and sisters, only the eldest brother did not have this kind of disease. I remember that year, when I was in the second year of junior high school, I rested at home for a week. Due to the weakening of my liver function, my urine turned yellow, my body was very weak, and my food was tasteless. My father was as anxious as an ant on a hot pot. One was that he had no money, and the other was to worry about his children. During that time, my father was so busy that he became haggard. I remember that the three of us who got sick were isolated one after another. when Grandma served me rice, my legs always touched my simple bed made of bamboo mats, and the bowl of rice always touched my bowl, so I angrily reminded her that she always looked at me with a smile and said, "it's all right." Fortunately, our family finally pulled through.
When recalling these past events, my father always said affectionately, "those days were really not days for people, like suffering in a frying pan."
My father's legs and feet are not good, and his physique is not as good as he used to be as he grows older. Some people go out to work for people and earn more money than farming, but his father says he is not in good health and can only work honestly at home. In August 1992, I was admitted to Anqing normal School. He was so happy that he couldn't sleep for several days, because it was no less than taking an exam today, and he went around doing banquets and treats. Then came the problem. Although the tuition fee is not very much, only a few hundred yuan, and the cost of living is only more than ten yuan a week, it is a great pressure for a peasant family. The tuition fee of 530 yuan at the beginning of the school year was cobbled together by my father, and the following living expenses were difficult again. So he gritted his teeth and followed the back of the loading car to the earth with a shovel. His physique was not as good as the others, for fear of being slower than others, he worked hard, ate white steamed bread when he was hungry, drank some tap water when he was thirsty, and came home every day. It was so dark that he was so tired that he didn't even want to eat. It was hard to earn more than twenty yuan a day.
The farm work at home is done by my mother and us (I go home every weekend). There is one thing that no one can do, and that is to pesticide the cotton. I tried it once. No, the bug was not poisoned, and my brother could not do it. So, my father took a day off and used a very poisonous pesticide-"1605" at home to control insects. As a result, he did not do a good job of protection because he was in such a hurry. The pesticide spattered on the exposed skin and he was poisoned that time. The skin was red and swollen, the heart was nauseous, the whole body twitched and muscle spasms, which made our family cry. At first, we thought it was a fever, but later, under the reminder of our neighbors, we realized that it was pesticide poisoning.
So the three of us (my sister has dropped out of school and worked in other places), pulling a cart to take him to the township hospital, he said feebly, "it's all right, I don't want to go." All three of our brothers understand that he is worried about not having medical expenses. We could not help saying that we carried him directly to the car covered with straw and quilts and ran cautiously to the township hospital. Along the way, my brother pulled the rickshaw and asked my father how he felt from time to time. My brother and I were holding the car on both sides for fear that something might happen.
When he arrived at the hospital, the doctor hung water for him and told us, "your father is moderately poisoned by pesticides and his life will be in danger if he comes later." Fortunately, the three of you brothers sent them in time. "
At this time our hanging hearts finally calmed down. The doctor knew that the condition in our family was not good, so he said that we could go back after hanging a few bottles of water.
Among the brothers, I felt the greatest guilt, because my father worked so hard mainly for me. On the way back, tears welled up and filled with emotion. .
The ancients said: the grace of dripping water should be rewarded by Yongquan. Here I would like to say: "the kindness of parents, children can not repay all their lives."
After a few days, my father recovered and none of our brothers wanted him to go to work. But he didn't listen to advice and insisted on going. He couldn't beat him, so he went again. I've been doing this for a year and a half. During this period, on a stormy night, my mother was also lost because she went out to pick up trash. The whole family did not sleep all night and looked everywhere, and my eyes got wet again that night. Fortunately, she found it by herself the next day.
Life is like this, although there has been improvement, but can never keep up with the pace of the times, those who, like fathers, work hard for their children, those who struggle on the poverty line, their hardships are difficult for ordinary people to understand and understand.
IV. Father in his later years
(-) quit smoking at an early age
When my father was young, he smoked "free cigarettes" with several elderly people and became addicted unwittingly. He smoked for seven or eight years, and then all four children went to school and the family was burdened with heavy burdens. After thinking about it, he gritted his teeth and gave up smoking. During the month or two of quitting smoking, my father freaked out as soon as it rained. (sunny, busy with farm work, "forgot", felt better. (from the house to the outside, and back to the house, if anything stops him, he will be furious. I remember an old cat with a broken tail at home who had worked hard all night and was sleeping on the threshold. His father was restless and wandered back and forth. He didn't pay attention to his feet. He tripped over it and stumbled. The old cat screamed with pain and ran away. My father didn't seem to dispel his hatred, so he got up and kicked again. From then on, the old cat ran away when he saw his father from afar. Many years later, when his father was in a good mood, he was used as a joke by us to please his happy family atmosphere.
After two months of torture, my father finally gave up smoking. During the period of quitting smoking, someone handed him a cigarette. Most of these people were unintentional, and some deliberately tested their father, trying to make a fool of his father. A naughty young man, in his early twenties, saw his father enjoying the cool under the tree, so he went to sit on the stone bench next to him and smoked. He closed his eyes and took a puff of smoke, and then two puffs of smoke came out of his nostrils, like clouds in the clouds. I have a feeling of ecstasy. A little, the man opened his eyes slightly and glanced sideways at his father. Seeing my father, he couldn't help smacking his mouth twice, looked up at the man, looked down and touched his pocket, empty, and then turned his head and looked into the distance with a blank look on his face. I was about to get up and leave this "land of right and wrong" when I heard the man's "gracious" invitation: "come on, there is no separation between tobacco and alcohol. Brother Zhang, smoke a cigarette." I heard you were quitting smoking. I was joking with you on purpose. Don't take it to heart. " As he spoke, he handed over the cigarette.
When my father heard this, he turned and looked. His right hand reached forward a little, stopped immediately, looked embarrassed, hesitated for a long time, blinked, bent down and pretended to be sorting out the son, and finally said solemnly, "Thank you for your kindness. I've given up. I'm not interested in smoking."
The boy looked at his father with a suspicious look and asked doubtfully, "really?" I don't believe it. "
"you can believe it or not." With that, my father picked up the burden and went to work.
Later, my father mentioned the matter and told the truth. At that time, he wanted to smoke very much. If he was given a cigarette, even if he was not allowed to eat. I remember when I was a child, my father asked us to buy a pack of Little Panda cigarettes for him every day when we passed the shop after school. at noon after school, he stood early at the gate, looking forward to it, and sometimes he was really looking forward to it; if a child forgets to buy it, he will lose his temper and ask him (her) to go back and buy it again, so he has no choice but to return, and both father and son (father and daughter) are in a bad mood. Most of such "unlucky ghosts" are brothers and sisters, because we are still young and do not rest assured to hand over the money to us.
Out of a high sense of responsibility to his family and children, he gave up smoking with tenacious perseverance, and then he really lost interest in cigarettes for quite a long time.
(2) A short "happy life"
Gradually, the children have grown up and their living conditions have been greatly improved. a year before Hong Kong's return to the motherland, the eldest brother got married. When I was a child, the most naughty, the smartest and the most hopeful son finally got married. Three years later, Grandma died of illness. Within 77, when my sister got married, my father felt that the burden on his shoulders was much lighter. Before and after his sister's wedding, he smoked with the guests and unwittingly became addicted again. He could not quit this time. He may have the financial means. He lost great motivation to quit smoking and did not smoke until after the esophagus cancer operation. From 2000 to 2011, he never quit smoking. Sometimes we all persuade him to quit smoking because smoking is bad for his health, so he won't listen. Besides, the old man has no other hobbies, so can't he smoke a cigarette when he is old for the sake of his children? Persuasion was of no use, and in the end we stopped persuading.
Before 2003, all three children were married, and the father was basically able to enjoy his own life. Although I am still as busy as a machine every day, I don't have to work hard after all. When it rains, he wears presbyopic glasses, smokes cigarettes and watches TV with his mother on a low bench beside his bed. His favorite programs are "News Network", "Journey to the West" and "Huangmei Opera". Every time smoking fills the house with smoke, his mother always complains to him: "what's so good about smoking?" You might as well buy meat with the money for cigarettes. " Once I fell asleep on the bed while smoking while watching TV. as a result, the sheet was burnt with a big hole in the cigarette butt, but fortunately, it was found in time and did not lead to disaster. As a result of frequent smoking, the index and middle fingers are yellowed by smoke. He never cares about these, because smoking is a kind of high-level enjoyment for him. )
Hearing such complaints, my father never explained or argued, but smiled, and then went on puffing. After a long time, my mother got used to it and didn't bother to talk about it. Mother has no culture, watching TV shows seems to understand, every time her father patiently explained to her. When they watch TV, sometimes they look attentive, sometimes they laugh. Sometimes we are at home, he tells us stories, including his own stories, when talking about the past life, he is always full of feelings, feeling that their generation has suffered a lot, let us cherish the present life.
The times have created a hard-working, hard-working and simple father. I often think, if our children are not afraid of hardship, how can they not be good at learning? Now that people are rich, people can no longer bear hardships.
(3) died of serious illness
In October 2011, my brother returned to his hometown from Dalian to build a house and get married. There are many things that need to be done to build a house. My father is busy, busy and busy. When he eats lunch, he prominently feels a lump in his throat and cannot swallow it. Sitting next to the pot and stove looks very painful. He was discovered by his careful sister. Under her repeated questioning, my father told the truth. It turned out that he had symptoms in his throat in September, and he never said that he was afraid of the children's worries. now everyone knew and was very surprised and wanted to take him to see a doctor right away, but he insisted, "it's all right. It's enough to live to this age. My father died at the age of 49, and I am more satisfied with him. "
It was only after repeated persuasion by his relatives that he reluctantly agreed and decided to finish his brother's house before going for medical treatment. as a result, he dragged on for a month and did not go to my wife's Naval Anqing Hospital for examination until mid-November. Through pathological analysis, it was diagnosed as the middle stage of esophageal cancer. The whole family was stunned all of a sudden. Although they were psychologically prepared, they were still unwilling to accept this fact. Father looked very calm, the doctor suggested that the operation should be carried out as soon as possible, admitted to hospital for examination and observation, and the operation would be carried out a week later. Before we went to the operating table that day, although we were all comforting him, his face was dignified. It was a major thoracotomy. It is impossible for anyone to say that he is not afraid. when the body is forced to this point, even the sword mountain will go up and the sea of fire will go down, and the fragile life has no choice in the face of this disease.
We comforted our father and told him not to worry. When he lay on the operating bed, he was pushed into the operating room by the nurse. Everyone waited anxiously in the hall outside the operating room for four hours. The doctor first wrapped the large tumor cut from the esophagus in a plastic bag to show the family. Pinch it, it was hard, a big one was as big as an egg, and two small ones had a bird egg.
About ten minutes later, his father pushed him out of the operating room, and when he was under semi-anaesthesia, he kept shouting, "I feel so sick!" I feel terrible in my heart. . " We asked questions, but he didn't answer. At the same time, I still remember the pain of kicking my feet, scratching my hands and twitching all over my body. Because the whole body is hanging water, the doctor asked us to press our father's hands and feet, so it is difficult to hold down, that kind of pain is unimaginable. All four of our brothers and sisters present at that time had sore noses and tears.
My father was placed in the intensive care unit, and it took him a while to calm down. The next recovery period, due to poor physique, so the rib wound did not heal for three years, has been in the discharge of pus or blood, until the fourth year to fully heal. Generally speaking, the operation was successful, because it was cut a little more, which affected the nerves of the pronunciation site. From then on, what he said was very low. In these more than four years, he still insists on working. What he did before and how he still does it now, he can't be idle for a moment. I was "scolded" by my children again and again, but to no avail.
In early 2015, due to physical discomfort, he went for a physical examination and found that there was a small idea in his stomach, which was suspected of gastric cancer. after pathological analysis, it was confirmed that it was cancer cell metastasis, and finally there was metastasis in the lungs. with the last experience, his father was no longer afraid. I believe that the doctor can cure him, at least have a glimmer of hope. But the fact is, it has been transferred, the more "tossing", the more haggard people are, the faster they "walk", the more painful they are. If he is not treated, he will suffer less, but as a child, how can he not be treated? Later, on his deathbed, he said to us, "if I am cured, I will not regret it." You are all filial children. "
That year, because I was very busy at work, this may be the reason that I seldom went to the hospital to see him. In March, April and May, he was able to take care of himself. My lover also broke his little toe and lived in this hospital. Unable to walk, there was no one to take care of her, and her father was still cooking and fetching water for her. I was ashamed when I heard that I was sorry to my wife, and even more to my father, to allow such an elderly patient to take care of another young patient.
By June, he was getting weaker and weaker and could not eat much food, so he could only eat liquid food. By the beginning of July, he could not eat at all. after eating, he vomited, his stomach was rotten and worn out, and the food flowed into his lungs and fell into his chest. As a result, the infection in his lungs became more and more serious.
I remember clearly that it was July 3, 2015, and the doctor advised me to leave the hospital because there was no hope. I took some pictures of my father as a souvenir. He looked very haggard, smiled a little, and smiled reluctantly. Brother found a taxi, our hearts are very heavy, what this means to go home, everyone, including father himself is very clear.
When he got home, he could not eat or drink, because he could no longer hold food in his stomach and could only rely on hanging nutrient solution to maintain his life. in spite of this, his brain has been very clear and he has explained all his affairs clearly. what worries him most is his wife, our mother, a very honest rural woman, who relied on her father for everything before. If the pillar collapses, where should she go? The sense of loss in my heart will be very strong.
From July 3 to July 12, every night, the three of us take turns on duty, one in the middle of the night, one in the second half of the night and one during the day. The biggest problem is that he has a serious infection in his lungs and chest. A large amount of thick sputum comes out of his mouth and needs to be caught with toilet paper (the knife-cut paper can be loaded by a car), and then thrown into the dustbin, sometimes untimely, directly into our hands, sometimes coughing badly and spattering sputum on our faces, but none of our brothers feel sick in the face of this situation. The biggest trouble was not this. It was that there was something wrong with my father's lungs, stomach, and intestines. In particular, the pulmonary infection was very serious. In the last three days, my chest was burning, burning, aching, and tossing over and over on the bed. You have to apply a hot towel to your chest to relieve the pain, and you have to do it every few minutes. In the end, he was in so much pain that he asked us to euthanize him, and of course we refused. In order to get rid of the pain as soon as possible, he refused to hang the nutrient solution. I served in the second half of the night on July 12, which was the most painful night. I cried for pain all the time, and at last there was little phlegm. Without hanging water, the body has been dried out and dehydrated. (it was really hard to do, so I dipped a cotton swab in water and wiped it on his lips.
It was getting light, and I went to bed. Vaguely, I heard that my father was dying. I hurriedly got up and saw that my father's eyes were red and his hands and feet were stiff and had just died. It turned out to be some superstition. Some people in the family said that it was not good to die in the back room, so they had to change to the bed in the east. As a result, my father left early. I knew this moment would come sooner or later. It might be a good thing to leave early to get rid of the pain, but I really couldn't bear to speed up the process of his life in this way.
My family spent that summer vacation in grief. Especially the mother, with tears all day long, without spiritual support, life seems to become meaningless.
My father is a very ordinary farmer, physically defective and honest. His life experience is full of ups and downs, reflecting the track of the changes and development of the times. His life is a life of struggle, a life of hard work, a life of bitterness, a life of fragile life and an unyielding life. Fatherly love is like a mountain, which is precious only when it is really lost. The tree wants to be quiet but the wind does not stop, and the son wants to raise but does not wait. Father, may you rest in peace in heaven!
The night of June 17, 2018
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