-- 1m.
In recent days, I feel abnormal anxiety, always inexplicably afraid and worried. I seem to be very afraid of something, but I can't say what it is. I inadvertently brought it into my work and life, saying a lot of hurtful things and doing a lot of irresponsible things. When I said it and did it, I began to regret why I was so uncalm, but I couldn't find out the reason.
Before that, whether I was working overtime or at the bidding site, I had never felt so anxious as in recent days. This anxiety made me nervous, sensitive and impatient about people and things. Even when I was sitting down, I stood up and paced back and forth again. I was extremely tired after work, and even wanted to avoid all the people and things around me.
-- 2mi-
I don't know when this feeling began, but what's even more frightening is that I don't know when the anxiety will last.
I have a hunch that even if I find the reason for it, I may not find a good solution and have no choice but to let it go.
When it was late at night, but still couldn't sleep, I had to think about why, because I didn't want this state to continue, I wanted to slap myself in the face, when I thought of my former self, I often came to enlighten my friends who couldn't get over it. I also laughed at those people who didn't know how to release their emotions, and these problems that never stopped me are now in front of me, so that I can't let it go for a long time.
……
-- 3muri
Although those slaps didn't really come down, they woke me up and made me understand that the real cause of anxiety and fear was the things I used to be proud of, but now they have disappeared or become things I can't bear to look directly at.
I used to think that I always had the advantage of age among the people around me, that the things I understood and held were unique and superior to others, that I always stood at the top of my mind to look down on others, and always felt that I was the proud being of the people around me.
When there were more and more young and excellent people around me, and those who thought they had adhered to wrong views also achieved success under their own insistence, I began to worry and began to be afraid, only to find that I had been looking down all the time. looking at those who chase them, mistakenly thinking that they are different from their own way is not desirable, and when they one day surpass themselves. Those who used to be proud and self-righteous instantly become so ridiculous.
-- 4muri-
In fact, it has never been a complicated thing, it has always been so simple, only need to look up to find those self-righteous things are how absurd, ridiculous, but self-righteous in order to maintain that pride, always do not want to look up, always do not want to be a dwarf.
All of a sudden, I haven't looked up for a long time.
Just understand that the most sad thing is not to wait for the result to appear on that day, to find that you are wrong, but not to know where you are wrong.
……
Once proud, only once, now self-righteous, if built on the past pride, will only make oneself appear more humble.
Once I was so proud of myself.
At the moment of their own, is so humble.
……
Haha, how funny and ridiculous those who used to be proud and self-righteous are. But when they are gone, what should I take to face myself now, what should I take? How to deal with it?
There are still many things I want to say, but I don't want to go on because I want to save up and hope that one day it will be big enough to help me make a choice and completely escape from a known experience and enter another unknown state of mind.
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